A Name as Cool as Akatsuki
by Thorn In Your Side
Summary: A chapter for each team of the most loved evil organization! Plus an Orochimaru one-shot. Warnings: smut. But there's a non-smut section too...just like a restaurant, except there its smoking and non-smoking...I'll stop now.
1. Itachi and Kisame

A Name as Cool as Akatsuki

**A Name as Cool as Akatsuki **

**Disclaimer: -evil grin- you think I own Naruto? Really? Well, maybe you think I own Johnny Depp and the pyramids at Giza too, hmmm? **

**A/N: remember, darlings, this has one yaoii scene…but I'll warn you when it happens, if you're not a fan of the lemony goodness. Then you can just mosey on over to the next chapter, or review, or run away screaming or whatever it is you generally do after reading a story. Deal?**

_**Chapter One: Itachi and Kisame**_

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Itachi-san, do you ever wonder who designed our cloaks?" Kisame asked, lying lazily on his back, Sameheda next to him.

The Uchiha looked askance at his partner-in-crime. "No, Kisame, I can't say I have."

"I do all the time. I mean, black and red? Chee, how generic. I tell you, black is way over-used for villains."

"Mmm…" Itachi pretended to care.

"Don't even get me started on the clouds—are you serious!? Most people associate clouds with fluffy bunnies and little girls and puppy love…things that are 'happy'. Is making the clouds red really going to change this perception and strike fear into enemies' hearts?"

"It kinda already does," Itachi pointed out.

"Oh."

"Mm-hmm."

"But still…I wonder who designed our cloaks."

"I heard from Zetsu that Konan-san did it," Itachi offered, "Maybe you should take up the issue with her."

Kisame paled. With his blue skin, he looked like a rotting fish. "Uh…I think I'd rather not."  
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"Itachi-san," Kisame asked, breathing a little heavy as they climbed the steep hill, "I've been thinking—"

"A dangerous pastime," Itachi murmured.

"—about your name…did you ever receive any trouble when you were younger?"

Itachi's left eye twitched.

_"Hey, weasel boy, wanna play!?"  
"Weasel-chan, come help mommy do the dishes, please."_

_"Weasel-kun, I think you're ever so handsome!"_

_"Nii-chan, will you show me shuriken techniques?" Sasuke blinked as his normally stoic brother hugged him fiercely. "As long as you always call me nii-chan," he whispered. _

_"Uh…sure."_

"Um, Itachi-san? You haven't said anything for about two minutes, are you feeling alright?"

Itachi turned scarlet eyes on the taller man. "Kisame, do you think anyone would have dared make fun of _**me**_ for my name?"

A lesser, not so blue man would have flinched under that gaze. Kisame merely blinked. "No, Itachi-san."

"Then no one did."

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**Okay little birdies, this is the yaoii part. The part where Itachi and Kisame are in love. The part with a lemon. Which means sex. I can't really spell it out much clearer than that, so shoo all of you who aren't closet/open yaoii fans. Shoo.**

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"Kisame?" Itachi had a hard time keeping the surprise out of his voice, "Why are you sitting here?" It had just rained an hour ago, and parts of the ground are still muddy.

"I'm not sitting here. Look closer Itachi-san…" the blue skinned man said dully.

His feet were trapped fast in the hardened muck. Sameheda's bandages were murky with dirt and rainwater. Both fish-man and sword had such a comically mournful aura that Itachi had to smile. He crouched at Kisame's feet gracefully, using a gentle suiton to work them free. The other man watched patiently. When the limbs were free, they walked back to their campsite, and the ex Hidden Mist ninja burrowed his head into the ex Hidden Leaf ninja's lap.

"Itachi-san, I had such a terrible day," he complained as the night winds howled through the trees, "First in the morning, I couldn't find my cloak. Then I realized I'd laid it under Sameheda last night after undoing her bandages, so it was all torn up. All my spares were out on the wash! Then I found that there was no breakfast. I had to go all the way down to the nearest village, where they wouldn't serve me food because they didn't like my skin. So I had to kill a few people to get some respect, and then when they were willing to serve me, Leader-sama calls me to assist Deidara and Sasori, and I have to go save their sorry asses even before breakfast! Who told them to go fight a whole fucking army? Who? Its lunch by the time I finish up, and I go to a ramen bar, and they're out of fucking ramen! I was so pissed I came to sit here, then it started raining and_** that**_ happened. Itachi-san, my life is _**awful**_!"

Itachi pulled him into an embrace. "I think I know how to make your day better," he whispered, crimson sharingan fading to a lustful black as he kissed his lover. Kisame probed his mouth, and wrestled with his tongue, hot and wet and familiar. Itachi grappled away the control by abruptly gripping his ass, making the bigger man moan. Kisame could practically _**taste**_ his smirk.

Slowly, steadily, Itachi worked his kisses in a southern direction, while guiding Kisame backwards until he was laid out on the bare ground, disheveled, sweaty, and panting. Itachi was at his navel by now, but stopped to bring his lips back to the ex Kiri-nin's mouth. He nibbled at his lower lip, and Kisame bit back playfully, but not too hard. Itachi shivered as those serrated teeth scraped over his skin, his mind fogging over as heat rushed through his body.

"Kisame…"

The blue skinned man's only response was to wrap his legs around the younger one's waist, pulling him in, feeling his hard-on rub against his own arousal. Itachi gasped, and used his hands to hold the fish-man's wrists above his head.

"Don't get too cocky, Kisame," he grinned, and they chuckled at the old inside joke, "Let me show you who's in charge here."

Shucking off his cloak neatly, he undid both their pants one-handed and rubbed the man's gigantic cock. Kisame moaned, his hands struggling to be free, but Itachi's delicate bones were stronger than they looked, and he fought in vain as the younger man pinned him down effortlessly. Bending, Itachi took him into his mouth, sucking and nipping at his flesh, humming nonsense because he knew the vibrations would make his lover shudder in pleasure.

Kisame moaned again, louder, needier. Itachi sat up and Kisame engulfed him in a fiery kiss, passionate and greedy. Itachi raised an eyebrow as the man felt his ass, sliding a finger into his entrance. He hissed, displeased, as the tables were turned unexpectedly; Kisame was the one straddling his hips, and his hair was having an unpleasant affair with the dirty earth.

"Kisame," he warned, but the suddenly-in-control man wasn't about to give up without a fight. He nipped his lover's neck, his dick nudging his entrance. Itachi closed his eyes, pangs of fire lancing him. Maybe…just this once…

"Aaaah!" he gasped as Kisame entered him in a single thrust.

"Nngh…Itachi…" the man grunted, plunging in and out, the Uchiha going wild with the sensation of having him in him.

"K-kisa—aaah!"

They cleaned up, and ate in silence.

"Well, Itachi-san," Kisame murmured, "You definitely did know how to turn my day around."

Itachi glared at him. "Don't push it," he said, turning away, and if the blue skinned man hadn't known better, he could've sworn he saw roses blooming on those pale cheeks.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Is it just me, or are yaoii lemons getting harder and harder to write?**


	2. Sasori and Deidara

A Name as Cool as Akatsuki

**A Name as Cool as Akatsuki**

**Disclaimer: zomg I like totally DON'T own Naruto. –peace sign- Oh, and I also don't own Looney Tunes. Though I dearly love them! **

**-huggles the Martian plushie-**

**The much awaited –sarcasm intended- long over-due –no sarcasm intended- chapter two! –hey that rhymed-**

**Du dut du! Sasori and Deidara! –does happy dance-**

**By the way, for those amongst you who watch the anime, danna is master. Unless you want it to mean husband…then it means husband!**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Sasori no danna, will you help me make art?" Deidara asked his partner.

Said partner ignored him. "Damn, my nail polish is chipping. I keep telling Kakuzu to not buy the lousy stuff from the dollar store, but does the cheap bastard ever listen? No, no one listens to _**me**_."

"Sasori no danna," Deidara whined, "Please help, h'mm! At least lend me one of your puppets, un!"

Sasori grabbed a nail polish bottle, waving for the blond to go ahead. Deidara squealed. "Thank you danna, un!"

-several minutes and a small nail polish incident later-

"But where's the kaboom?" Deidara asked the Kazekage puppet, "There's supposed to be an earth shattering kaboom! Un!"

"Oh," he said, spotting something in the perfection that was his art, then grabbed the puppet and tweaked a few things. "H'mm, yeah, art's a bang!" he cooed happily as he worked.

KA-BOOOOM!

Sasori watched idly as his puppet's head went sailing into the river they were camping next to.

"Um…Sasori no danna?"

"Yes, Deidara?"

"I think I killed your art with my art…un."  
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"Fleeting, un!"

"Eternal, you dung for brains twit!"

"Art is eternal when Sasuke kills Itachi, un!" Deidara spat.

"Art is fleeting when Itachi has brotherly feelings for Sasuke!" Sasori snorted.

"Art is fleeting, danna! Why can't you get that into your thick wooden head!?" Deidara yelled, making the grave mistake of knocking on said head.

Sasori's eyes narrowed dangerously. "Little brat, you. Are. _**Dead**_."

Deidara backed away quickly, hands automatically reaching for his bag of clay, only to remember that it was hanging on the tree…_**behind**_ his murderous partner.

"Uh, danna, let's talk about this…have I told you how much I love your hair? Its so…pretty!"

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**Yaoii time, yeah! Yeah, yaoii time! –does happy dance-  
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"Deidara!" Sasori shouted, hauling up his dozing partner up by the collar, "Where is Zanzo?" he demanded, referring to one of his best puppets.

"Um," Deidara began with a winning smile, "I was making art, un, and well sometimes art…yeah."

Sasori narrowed his eyes. "You blew him up, didn't you, you little rat?"

"Un!" the little rat squeaked.

"You little shit, do you try to piss me off or does it come naturally?"

"I'm sorry, danna," Deidara purred, pressing himself up against the irate puppet man, "I so sorry, lemme make it up to you, un!"

"No," Sasori moaned as a hand slithered into his pants, "Absolutely not…"  
"C'mon danna, you know you like it," the blond pouted, licking his lips.

Sasori wrenched away as the mouth on Deidara's hand began its administrations to his prostrate. "Dammit Deidara, I despise you with every inch of my body," he exhaled sharply as an intrusive finger teased his hole.

"I love you danna, but you're a liar, because your body says otherwise, un."

No use trying to fight a horny artist, Sasori's mind whispered to him, and shut down. He writhed out of Deidara's grip, choosing to disrobe him. Deidara gasped as the ex-sand ninja shoved him roughly against a wall, penetrating him quickly, searing his flesh with an exquisite sort of pain. He moved back and thrust again, slowly, agonizingly slow, until Deidara was begging for him.

"Say it."

"Unggh…danna…"

"Say it. You said you were going to make it up for me. So _**say**_ it."

"Danna…I want you to fuck me. I….nngh! I want you!" he screamed, moving his body to match Sasori's powerful thrusts.

They tumbled to the floor in a sweaty tangle of limbs, and Konan walked in. She froze at the sight of the two men.

"Oh my," she smirked, "Yaoilicious."

Sasori growled ferally at her. "If I could kill you, you'd be dead."

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.**

**Okay, my lemons officially suck. Anyone have tips, I'd love to hear 'em. T.T**


	3. Deidara and Tobi

A Name as Cool as Akatsuki

**A Name as Cool as Akatsuki  
Disclaimer: No, no, I don't own Naruto. **

**A/N: I'd like to thank my reviewer Legally Brunett for the inspiration for the pre-lemon scene, and also for helping me decide to actually write this team too, and give Zetsu a super cool one-shot! Much thanks, baby girl!**

**Chapter Three: Deidara and Tobi**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Say…sempai-san?" Tobi wailed.

Alliteration. God's gift to idiots.

"Yeah, Tobi?"

"Don't you think I can get fangirls? Kisame-san just said that I couldn't because no one can see my face!"

"What would Kisame know? He's a shark man, un. He has no fangirls."

(Kisame Fangirl Club members –authoress included- rear their heads in anger)

"So you think I'm cute, right Deidara-sempai?" Tobi cuddled up to the blond, purring.

The blue eyed man looked down at his partner with a vague air of disgust. "Tobi…you do know I'm not a woman, right?"

The orange mask stared at him in consternation. "NOOOO!"

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"Deidara-sempai! Noooo! Why did you have to die!? You were such a good sempai, a bit of an asshole though…and kinda mean…not to mention girlie looking…and I never really understood the whole 'un' thing, that was just creepy…"

"Ahem, un."

"Deidara-sempai! You're alive!"  
The taller man glared at him. "If I spend a few minutes longer in the bathroom than normal, it doesn't mean I _**died**_ in there, Tobi."

"Ohhhh…I'll remember that."

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"Tobi, go rob that man over there," Deidara ordered. The black haired man scratched the back of his head. "Why?"

"Because he looks rich and we have no money."

"Okay," Tobi said and marched to the man on the horse. "Excuse me, I'm going to rob you now," he said politely.

The man looked down at him. "I would not have a man sin by committing an act of thievery!" he declared, "I am a man of God! Should any man want something that is mine, he only need ask and I will give it to him! Ask, good man, and I will give!"

"That's very kind of you," Tobi smiled under the orange mask, "But my sempai told me to rob you, so I can't accept charity. If you could just scream and make a fuss and let me kill you and take your money, I'd really appreciate it."

"I'm afraid I can't do that, son."

"I see…" Tobi said, "Well, sorry to bother you, you can go on now."

He returned to the blond man, who blinked at him. "Where's the money?"

"He was a man of God."

"…Tobi, you're such a lucky bitch for being my partner and not Kakuzu's, you know that?"

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**yaoii time! Whoop whoop for the return of my lemon writing abilities!!**

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"Deidara-sempai!" Tobi whined, "Why won't you play any attention to me? Tobi is a good boy!" The blond had been ignoring him since they'd come out on this mission, and they were now resting for the night at a cheap, third rate inn.

"Because you're an annoying brat, un!" Deidara snapped, then flinched inwardly as he realized that this was the kind of exchange he and Sasori used to have…but now he was the sempai, the danna.

"But I'm a good partner," the black haired man whined, "And I won't die on you like Sasori-sama did, I swear!"

"Yeah, well, Sasori was a better kisser, un!"

"Nuh-uh, and Tobi can prove it to sempai!" he yelled and ran to the blond, abruptly throwing his arms around his neck and kissing him ravenously. Deidara's jaw dropped in surprise, and Tobi's tongue attacked his own, pushing it around until the blond was forced to dominate to keep the muscle from bruising.

"Hnnng," he moaned, "S-sempai…"

Deidara pushed him away. "What the hell do you think you were doing—" he was cut off by Tobi's hand on his mouth. The orange mask came off, slowly, revealing a pale, grinning man. Blue eyes widened in amazement and Tobi took his hand away.

"Sempai…let me have you forget everything," he whispered, pleading, "Let me show you…let me show you how to live again…let me show you there's more than just his memories…please…"

A voice said, "Make me forget everything, Tobi," and Deidara realized it was his own when Tobi obliged, holding his hand, sucking on his fingers, pushing the blond back against the wall of their room. He groaned as Tobi's hand rubbed against the material of his pants, teasing him. The shorter man cupped his privates, and slid a thumb over the blond's hardening cock's head. Deidara twitched, and wrapped his arms around Tobi, trying to pull him in closer.

"Ah, wait!" Tobi gasped as he felt his sempai's arousal rub against his own, "S-sempai!" he moaned as Deidara ripped away his shirt and ran his rough, tongued hands over his chest, his rippling muscles tensing under the sensation.

"Tobi…shhhh. Prove to me that you're a good boy, h'mm?" the ex-rock ninja panted, undoing his pants, leaning in to nip at the other man's neck, sucking and biting gently, to soothe and excite at the same time.

"Nngh," Tobi moaned, his hands twining in the sun kissed locks of the taller man as he lowered his mouth to his quivering prostrate, licking up the pre-cum and skillfully wrapping his tongue around it. Tobi shivered, circling Deidara's neck with his legs, pushing his dick deeper into his hot, wet mouth. "Ahhhh!"

Deidara started mumbling nonsense around his mouthful, the vibrations running up the shaft and making Tobi lightheaded with ecstasy. "Faster, s-sempai!" he cried, nearing his orgasm, spilling his seed into the blond's mouth.

Deidara pushed his legs up, and climbed onto the bed, and Tobi writhed to turn as the blue eyed male pushed several fingers roughly into his hole.

"Unnnn…" Deidara growled, "Tobi, say my name."

"D-Deidara s-sempai!" Tobi squeaked. His lover laughed. "Louder, Tobi, shout it! You like this, don't you?" he asked, wiggling his fingers around a bit in the tightness of his ass, desperate to be buried in that heat, "Show me how much, Tobi!"  
"Deidara sempai!" Tobi yelled, "Out! Fingers…out!"

"You don't want it?" Deidara questioned with an air of malicious innocence, "Alright then," he said, and moved away.

"No," Tobi gritted out, "I…want you…"

"You want me what?"

"I want you in me!"

"I was in you, Tobi, but you just said—"

"I want your dick in me!" he screamed, "I want you to fuck me as hard as you can!"

Deidara smirked, and brought his weeping arousal to Tobi's ass. "Whatever you say, boss," he whispered sadistically, and entered him with a swift thrust.

"Ahhhh!"

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**-beams at audience- the inner pervert has reawaken! Celebrate her revival! **


	4. Kakuzu and Hidan

A Name as Cool as Akatsuki

**A Name as Cool as Akatsuki **

_Disclaimer: Um. No. I didn't own Naruto last chapter, and I don't own it now. Bummer, huh? Oh, and the towels bit is inspired by Arrina-san's fanfiction "Genesis". SasoDei, you should read it it's in my faves. _

**A/N: ZOMG the last of the yaoii couples! 0cries a little0 oh well, I get to write a Pein-Konan chapter and make lots of penis jokes! And let's not forget Zetsu, that adorable little thing, he gets a chapter all to himself (without a lemon, but what'd you expect, the guy's a plant) and Orochimaru's chapter…which I have written out. 0smirk0**

**Chapter Four: Kakuzu and Hidan**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.**

"Kakuzu, can you get me—"

"No."

"I need towels, bitch."

"Screw you. You already used your towel ration for the month with your weird dogma ritual blood. I'm not shelling out the money to buy more, you freak."

"I could fucking curse you and send you to hell. I should. You're such a pig," Hidan spat.

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"Hey Hidan?"

"Yeah?"

"You ever wonder if Kisame really has two?"

"…Shut up, fuckstick."

"Oh please, like you've never wondered!"

"I haven't," the priest snapped. Kakuzu raised an eyebrow. "Do you have any idea what I'm talking about?"

"…No…"

"Thought so," Kakuzu smirked.

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"What!? Three hundred rhou for this shit? You gotta be kidding me!" Kakuzu yelled at the vendor.

Hidan was bored. "Goddammit Kakuzu, hurry the fuck up!"

"Sir, it is a very good bargain. If you can show me a place where it's cheaper then I will give it to you for that price."

"Kakuzu, let's get the fuck outta here!"

"This idiot is trying to rob me blind! Shut up Hidan!"

"Sir, it is a very goo—" the vendor suddenly found himself looking at a very dangerous looking pike, the tip all sharp and pointy.

"My friend doesn't think it's a very good bargain," Hidan said coolly, "What do you think?"

"I…I th-think it's free, sir, and I'd l-like to throw in this complimentary shop girl for you!"

"Keep the girl," Hidan said, "Now, Kakuzu, can we get the fuck outta here?"

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**I present to you: Citrus Time! **

**.' gak, has anyone else noticed that they're always in hotels when they have sex? Damn, I had to fix that. So they're gonna go at it in the woods! Yay dirty forest sex! **

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"Kakuzu?" Hidan mumbled, seeing the silhouette of his partner move out of his sleeping bag in the moonlight, "What's wrong?"

Kakuzu gazed at the immortal's face. "That bastard at the ransom place ripped me off. There are a hundred rhou less in here!"

"…Have you been counting money in your sleep again?"  
Kakuzu looked away. "Shut up."

"You shut up, fucktard."

"Right, I'm the fucktard."

"Yeah you are dumbfuck!"

"Listen to the kettle calling the pot black."

"So you'll admit you're black—you'll admit you're a dumbfuck," the purple eyes gleamed with excitement, and triumph, and something else.

"I'll admit you annoy me."

"I already knew _**that**_," Hidan said casually, "And I know something else about you too. A secret."

Kakuzu snorted. "Oh, really?"

"Yeah. You're a fag."

Golden eyes latched onto purple ones. "The hell are you talking about?"

"You're a faggot. I saw you at the baths…you were checking out that guy with the six pack and the really tight ass."

"Oh, how smart of you to notice," Kakuzu muttered, "Yeah, I am. That's not a secret, though."

"Yeah? How many people know you're a faggot?"

"Stop calling me that!"

"Don't dodge the question, you son of a bitch."  
"Leader-sama knows."

"Because you tried to rape him?"

"Shut up Hidan!" the ancient snapped, falling back onto his bedding. A few moments later, a warm body lay down next to him. Kakuzu stiffened as Hidan cuddled up to him. "What are you doing, idiot?" he murmured, wrenching away from him.

"I want to know…"

"What?"

"I want to know…what it feels like…to fuck a man," Hidan blushed. Hidan. Was. Blushing. And Kakuzu liked to think that he was the reason.

"So we'll buy you a man-whore at the next town."

"I want…to fuck…you," the silver haired man said calmly, digging his nails into his partner's skin. The ancient supposed that it was meant to hurt, but coming right after Hidan telling him he wanted to fuck him, well, it only made his aching erection throb that much harder.

"I'm not gonna let you fuck me."

"I'll let you fuck me."

At that moment, Kakuzu would have gladly converted to the priest's masochistic religion. Hidan…wanted…to be fucked. Kakuzu was only too willing to oblige.

"Take off your clothes then."

"You take 'em off, bastard, if I have to bottom, I'm at least not gonna be made to fucking strip for you."

"I'm not your boyfriend," Kakuzu scowled, "I'm not gonna make love. I'm gonna fuck you."

"Did I say I wanted you to make love?"

Wordlessly, the heart collector undressed himself first, unflinching despite Hidan's curious eyes roving all over his well formed body. Then he sat astride the immortal, tugging off his pants. Their naked arousals rubbed, and Hidan reached for his cock. Kakuzu stopped him, pinning both his hands down and licking his nipple. The priest moaned loudly. "Jashin-sama…"

"I'm the one doing you, why is it his name that gets moaned?" Kakuzu complained, "Anyway, don't touch yourself. What am I here for…partner?"

"You sadistic motherfucker," Hidan panted a few minutes later as the stitch ninja torturously teased him, cock in mouth, "Faster, damn it!"

The other man slowed down further, taking nearly a minute to swallow the dick up to the hilt, then nearly bring it out again and flick the tip with his tongue.

"Ah…fuck! Ah!" Hidan whimpered, "K-Kakuzu!"

"There's the thing I wanted to hear," he purred around the platinum headed man's other head, and began to suck in earnest. Hidan fisted his hair and pulled him in as his hips bucked with the force of his orgasm. "Kakuzu!" he cried out. The other male pulled him up into a sitting position. "Turn over," he commanded.

"Why?" Hidan spat.

"Because you just got a blowjob, and I want to fuck you."

Hidan glared at him, but lay down on his stomach. Kakuzu wrapped his arms around his waist and pulled him to all fours. "You'll like this," he whispered into the immortal's ear, "It hurts."

The purple eyed man trembled in anticipation. He yelped as a hard, thick cock plunged into his entrance, sans lubricant. It fucking hurt and it felt fucking good. Kakuzu gripped his ass cheeks, moaning as he shifted to get more comfortable in the tight heat of Hidan's hole. Hidan groaned as pain and pleasure mixed to give the ultimate sensation of ecstasy.

"Now watch," Kakuzu grinned, and started thrusting into the priest, "Does that feel good?"

"Y-yes, oh f-fucking go—ah! Yes!"

"Say my name, Hidan. Not your god's…mine. Scream it," Kakuzu instructed, his breathing ragged already. He was going to cum any minute.

"Unnnngh! Kakuzu…fuck! Ahh!"

A cold hand wrapped around his cock, jerking him off as he neared the edge, and Hidan screamed again. "Kakuzu!"

They collapsed, and Kakuzu snaked his arms around the smaller man, pulling him close.

"I thought…you said you weren't my boyfriend," Hidan said, not resisting. It was warm and snuggly in the stitch nin's arms.

"I changed my mind."

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**


	5. Pein and Konan

A Name as Cool as Akatsuki

**A Name as Cool as Akatsuki **

**Disclaimer: I don't own the Akatsuki or the manga which they belong to, Naruto. 'Tis all Takahashi Kishimoto's…that lucky bitch. **

**A/N: -sweatdrop- you know what I just realized? This is my first hetero lemon…ever. When I realized that, I just…freaked out for a bit. Wow oh wow, am I a yaoii fan. Not even yuri so much…just boy on boy. **

**-winsome smile- but you all love me nonetheless, right? Right??**

**Chapter Five: Pein and Konan**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"I've decided on my alias," he said, "From now on, you must address me by it. I'm casting my old name aside."

Konan surveyed him seriously. "What is it?"

"A name worthy of god: Pein."

The blue haired beauty blinked blankly. "Pein is god…"

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"Pein!"

"In a minute, I'm busy…"

"PENIS!"

The orange haired man flinched. "Dammit Konan, you're ruining god's reputation!"

"Forget that shit, c'mere and look at this origami version of you I made!"

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"Hey Pein!" Konan asked angrily, "How come you're god and I'm just an angel? Why can't I be goddess? I want the power! I want the prestige! I want to be a goddess!"

"Um, you're too pretty to be a goddess…?"

She gave him a 'don't-fuck-with-me' glare.

Well, if flattery wasn't getting him anywhere…"God reigns supreme and god says you don't get any!" he yelled.

She scoffed at him. "Punkass."

His lower lip trembled. "Why would you say that? That's just mean!" he wailed.

Don't let anyone tell you gods don't cry. They can bawl with the best of them.

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"Pein, was naming yourself Pein really the best idea? I mean…all the penis joke possibilities…"

The rin'nengan user gazed at her bemusedly. "Konan, who on earth would dare use penis jokes against me?"

"Yo, penis-boy!" a black haired man jumped out of nowhere and clapped Pein on the shoulder, "How ya doing?"

"Well, this is just a guess, but how about Madara?" Konan smirked as her best friend twitched.

**000000000000000000000**

**It's not yaoii…it's hentai…-twitch- It sounds so weird!!**

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**Knock, knock. **

Konan groaned loudly. Sod it all, Friday night was her one night off because it was boys' night out, so who the hell was disturbing her??

She opened the door and stepped swiftly to the side. Pein threw up on the spot her chest had been half a second ago.

Deidara grinned apologetically. "We kinda got Leader-sama drunk…"

She pinned him with an icy stare. He looked around him for support from his fellow Akatsuki members.

Itachi, who was going blind anyway and basically missed Konan's _**super scary**_ deathglare stepped up. "And…he's not a lot of fun when he's drunk. Actually…its rather embarrassing."

"So you're gonna ditch him?"

"Basically, yeah, but we didn't want to ditch him in some fucking alleyway I mean he is the fucking Sir Leader," Hidan cursed.

Konan sighed and accepted the man's body and they grabbed the opportunity to do something that J.K. Rowling could probably sue them for: Disapparated.

"Dude," Pein giggled in her arms, "You are one pretty man."

Konan twitched. "You…are one idiotic and surprisingly heavy fool," she grunted as she carried him bridal style to the couch, "Stay here, I'm gonna…I dunno, get you some anti-puke medicine or something."

He grabbed her wrist and pulled her onto him so fast it scared her. They kissed, and he…well, he tasted like puke, so Konan broke it off pretty fast. He tried to hold her down, put she pushed him away.

"Konan…" the way he whispered her name sent chills up and down her back, until she told herself he was drunk and they were just friends.

And he apparently thought her a man.

A very pretty man…

But a man nonetheless.

She washed out his mouth with some water, and pulled blankets over him and let him lie down in the couch, and tried to get back to whatever she normally did on her days off, but she couldn't. His eyes followed her bum and her breasts everywhere, and it was, quite frankly put, annoying.

Okay fine, so it turned her on. So sue her. The man was hot, and what are you, her Inner Voice of Truth?

She decided to curl up on the armchair with a good (NON ROMANCE) book, since it was the least sexy thing she could think of that she normally would do, and also, the armchair was by the head side of the couch, so he couldn't watch her.

Of course, she forgot about his rin'nengan.

"Konan?"

"Mmm-hmmm?

"You're really hot."  
"…Go to sleep, Pein," she murmured, blushing.

"Will you sleep with me?"

"Shut up, Pein."

He sat up to look at her, and for the first time in her life, she didn't find his eyes intimidating. "Please Konan?" he begged, and she smacked him upside the head.

"You idiot! I said shut up, and what makes you think I'm gonna sleep with you just because you said please?"

"Because it's the magic word," he said, sliding into her lap. She felt his erection press against her stomach, and felt her crotch respond. He kissed her again, and this time it wasn't so bad, she could taste the alcohol on his breath and that was pretty gross, but if she focused on the part that _**Pein **_was kissing her…it wasn't so bad at all.

A whimper escaped her lips when he pulled back with a grin, his hands unbuttoning her shirt, his lips nuzzling her neck. She moaned and arched her neck and he cupped her breasts, bringing his kisses to them. The blue haired kunoichi placed her hands on his shoulders and slipped off his shift, pressing herself up against his chiseled, well defined torso.

"Konan," he whispered again, and she felt his fingers between her legs, "Konan…is this okay?"

"Just…shut up," she panted as his fingers delved into her wetness, and then drew out to draw moist patterns on her butt cheek.

He brought her close, his breath hissing elegantly in her ear, his cock nudging her thigh, "If we do this…we can never go back to being…just friends."

That…was a scary thought, Konan realized. Was there anything in the world, even the satisfaction of carnal hunger that she would give up their friendship for?  
"I…"

"Konan! I was just fucking with you, I love you!"

She bit him, hard, and thoroughly enjoyed the yelp he gave in response. "You bitch," he snickered, "Feisty little bitch. _**My**_ feisty little bitch."

"You," she laughed as he thrust into her, "Are an idiot."

"An idiot you're having sex with," he reminded her.

"Shut up…harder!"

She moaned loudly, and came with his name on her lips. "Pein…!"  
He came deep within her, and held her like that, in tandem, until his subsiding erection forced him out. And then he just continued to hold her like he would never let go.

"Pein?" she murmured.

"Yeah?"

"You don't have to keep holding me. I don't expect any pillow talk from you."

He let her go quickly. "Oh thank…me, I guess," he grinned. She batted his shoulder playfully, and put her head in his lap. A thought struck her as she began to doze off. "Hey…weren't you drunk?"

"No, I was faking it."

"But you puked!"

"I ate Kakuzu's chicken parmesan."

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Awww, these two are so cute! And I think I did okay with my lemon…-is totally paranoid-**


	6. Zetsu and Zetsu

A Name as Cool as Akatsuki

**A Name as Cool as Akatsuki **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto, nope! Not even like…a little bit. –is a bit bummed out- Oh, and I don't own the lines stolen from The Lion King 1 ½ and She's the Man.**

**Chapter Six: Zetsu…and Zetsu! **

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

"Zetsu?"

"Yes, Leader-sama?" the white skinned half answered.

"The organization is going out all together to capture that damn kyuubi jinchuuriki once and for all—"  
"**Fina-fucking-ly! It's about time! I mean that twerp killed like half our members, either him or his stupid gay lover or his stupid gay teacher or his stupid gay friend—"**

"Homophobic much?" Konan asked critically. Zetsu's white side hushed his dark side.

"We're leaving you behind to guard the HQ," Pein finished.

"Hai, Sir Leader!"

"**And what the hell are we supposed to do, play with ourselves?**"

"Nonsense Zetsu-kun," Konan smiled devilishly, "Don't be ridiculous, you have no hands."

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"So, would you like to watch television?" Zetsu asked himself politely.

"**Uh, sure**," his dark side smirked.

"…"

"**That's right, bitch, no arms**."

"How do we ever fight?" Zetsu groused to himself.

"**I actually dunno. Most people just run away screaming, remember, and Hidan usually lets us eat the remains of his rituals…I can't remember the last time we were in an actual battle**."

"You think we still remember how to fight?"

"**No…unless by fight you mean look threatening and show up randomly from the ground**."

"Let's not tell Leader-sama about this, okay?"

"**Done deal, wuss**."

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"Let's tell stories," Zetsu suggested.

"**There was a retard. He was stuck in the same body as the greatest guy ever. The greatest guy ever killed the retard and had the body to himself. The end.**"

"…You're talking about us, aren't you?"

"**No shit, Sherlock**."

"There was a pineapple named Orange. She was in love with a red delicious apple named Harvey. But Harvey didn't date outside his species, so Orange dropped the pine from her name and became an apple. Then they lived happily forever after in wedded bliss."

"**Wow…that's a pretty deep love story…**" Zetsu said dryly.

"I know!"

"**Sarcasm is a foreign language to you, isn't it?**"

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"So…do you like…cheese?"

Dark Zetsu blinked. "**Are…you like…retarded?**"

"Hey, I'm just trying to make conversation here!" his fair skinned counter part objected.

"**Well, stop it. I don't need to spend quality time with a guy I share reproductive organs with.**"

"Point taken."

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"I sure hope they're okay, it's been a while," Zetsu fretted.

"**I hope all of them choke on their tongues and die, the sons-a-bitches,**" Zetsu scowled.

"That might be fun, it'd just be me and you."

"**…**"

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"Zetsu-sempai!! Tobi is home!"

"Dude, you're not married to him, un," Deidara frowned, "Or…are you?"

Itachi almost smiled at the plant. "Look."

"Awww," Konan cooed, "He's sleeping with himself…!"

"**Shut up before I smite you, sons-a-bitches**."

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Omg I had a lot of fun writing this chapter, much more fun than I thought I would, so I hope you had fun reading it! –huggles bemused readers- **


	7. Orochimaru and?

A Name as Cool as Akatsuki

**A Name as Cool as Akatsuki **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto! **

**Du dut du! The Not-So-Grand-But-Spectacularly-Lemony-Finale! Okay so in this one, there's a funny bit after the lemon…so yeah. For those who want to skip the citrus, your reward is at the bottom. I'll warn you when we get there. **

**Chapter Eight: Orochimaru and….?**

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

Orochimaru eyed the girl skeptically. She smiled back at him.

"…What?" he asked apprehensively.

"You left Akatsuki," she said, "And your old partner was Sasori, but I already paired him with Dei-chan. But I adore you, so I'm writing you into this anyway!"

The Legendary Sannin raised an eyebrow. "And my partner will be…?"

"Moi meme, ma cherie!"

"Huh?"

"Myself, my dear!" she translated.

He scoffed. "Oh hell no."

She scowled. "Hell yes! I'm a totally awesome sidekick, I make everyone look good!"

"No."

"I can give you massages!"

"Screw you."

"That too!"

"_**No**_. Not even in your fanfictions."

"Orochimaru it's my freaking story! Lemme your partner!!"

"Absolutely not," he said, turning away, "I know what you call me. You call me Oro-chan!"

"Oh please, please let me be your partner?" she begged. Some would point out that she could force him to be her partner, but then that would mess up the chapter plot…but I'm getting ahead of myself. Besides, she tends to think in a roundabout way, this one.

"No."

"Last chance," she warned, "I can do things to you…"

He laughed, flipping his dark silky hair over his shoulder. "Ooooh, I'm scared now! The little girl is soooo threatening!"

"You've brought this upon yourself," she sighed, and poofed up some paper and pen.

Orochimaru looked over her shoulder curiously as she wrote.

**-citrus time!!- **

Orochimaru slipped into the room, a silent shadow. On the narrow bed, the boy lay on his side, shirtless, his creamy skin glowing dimly in the dark.

The Sannin ran a finger over his shoulder, tracing the contour of his arm to the tip of his hand. Sasuke shivered in his sleep. Orochimaru slipped his robe off and brought his lips to the boy's ear, nibbling at them. That roused the young Uchiha with a sharp gasp. He scrambled upright, clutching his sheets tightly.

"Orochimaru?" he whispered, "What the hell's going on?"

"Shhh," the man said, smoothly settling on the younger boy's lap, straddling him. Sasuke's eyes grew wide.

"What…"

Orochimaru cut him off, sticking his tongue down his throat. Sasuke moaned loudly, his hands twining around his sensei's neck. "Gods," he murmured as Orochimaru pulled away, "Don't stop…"

"Believe me little Sasuke-kun, I am far from finished," the Sannin smirked. He slid a hand down the boy's pants, and found his throbbing member. He tickled it lightly, and Sasuke made a noise about halfway between a giggle and a groan, leaning into the older male.

Orochimaru laid the boy gently onto his back, forcing his knees to bend and draw back, raising his hips a little. Sasuke whimpered as the man tore his pants off, and inched a finger into his hole.

"Ah…haa…ah!"

Orochimaru withdrew and plunged in two fingers, eliciting another yelp from Sasuke.

"You're so tight," the Sannin rumbled, sliding in another finger, scissoring the boy.

"Ahhhh! It…hurts!"

Orochimaru sealed his complaints with an affectionate kiss. "It'll feel much better in a minute," he promised. Sasuke nodded and grabbed his sheets so hard his knuckles turned white. Orochimaru slid in a fourth finger, nipping lightly at the boy's chest as he did.

"Oro-ahh!"

The older man lifted his lover's hips up, withdrew his hand, and thrust in with his penis. Sasuke sobbed, the pain threatening to overtake the pleasure.

"Relax…Sasuke-kun," Orochimaru panted, his hands holding the boy's hands down, his mouth trailing kisses around his collar bone, "It'll feel good…"

Sasuke willed himself calm, and immediately felt the difference. Orochimaru's thick, hard cock pounded deep into him, hitting his spot every time. he arched his back off the bed, his hands pulling at his sensei's hair.

"Ohhhh…Orochi—ah!! Orochimaru! Oooh! AH!"

"Sasuke…" the Sannin filled him with his seed, and nearly collapsed.

Nearly…instead of pulling away from Sasuke, he began fellating him, nudging his student's smaller, harder cock with his tongue, scraping his teeth lightly against it.

"Oh! Ah—ah! P-please…make me—ah! Cum!"

"Say please, sensei."

No fair, the boy was desperate, and he complied. "P-please sensei! Ahhhh! Make me…ah! Come!"

HE screamed as Orochimaru obliged, sucking him hard. When he came, Orochimaru kissed him with his semen in his mouth and Sasuke moaned at his own

**-citrus end!-**

Orochimaru snatched the paper away and gaped at it. "You…PERVERT!"

She wiped her forehead. "Whoo, is it just me or is it really hot in here?"

"Pervert!" he smacked her upside the head, "PERVERT!!"

"If you'd just agreed to be my partner, this wouldn't have happened," she pointed out, "Besides, you're the one who wanted his body."

"For immortality, not pederasty!"

"Tell it to the fans, Jackson!"

In the real world, a thousand appalled Sasuke fans cursed her to a hell where there was no yaoii or yuri. (GASP!)

Somewhere else, Sasuke felt the urge to scream loudly and rip the head off of something.

And Orochimaru twitched as the images refused to go away.

**x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x.x**

**Wow, I'm fulfilling all the requirements for generic fanfiction author…self inserts, OroSasu hentai pairing…heh. It was so much fun writing that lemon, I kept cracking up! Sasuke the sex toy…fufufufufufu. **


End file.
